you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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