Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
