I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
