i can't believe i had my finger in that
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
