Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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