dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
