What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
