I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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