The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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