My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
This house was built for laser tag.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
