Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
