I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
