I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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