We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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