she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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