so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
