Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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