I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
