Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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