My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
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