My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
