She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
