He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
