There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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