tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Boobs are out for the taking
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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