Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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