We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
