wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
