I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
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