I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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