and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
