Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
two words: eviction party
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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