I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
