My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize