I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
