your parents love me but you hate me
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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