Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
