Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
