quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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