fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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