I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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