You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
