I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So gin and wine won't be happening again
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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