I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize