i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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