this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
