Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
