My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
