I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
