Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
