Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
