he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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