Don't you send me to vm
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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