if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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